Wearing Your Stress as a Badge of Honour

I was speaking with a client this week about her work ethic and how this affected her stress levels. She told me that she wears her stress ‘like a badge of honour’. She is proud of how much stress she can take. She is rewarded for taking on more projects than one person can reasonably handle, and her friends admire her for being able to handle her stress.

Sounds great, right? There is only one minor problem – she hates the pressure and it is making her ill. Ah. Suddenly it’s not so great being superwoman – the expectations people have of her (including her own) are too high, and too demanding. Fortunately she is coming to realise that this is not the way it has to be. I know she’s not alone in this. I did something similar in a previous life – taking on too much and feeling important because I had so much ‘on’.

Do you ever feel the same? It’s a sad situation when people are rewarded for how quickly they can grind themselves into the ground, how busy they are, and how little they are enjoying their life. In these days of being able to ‘have it all’ it seems that we prefer the fiction that an overfull life is great over the fact that an overfull life makes you ill.

In case you’re unsure, let me make my position on this perfectly clear – stress is not something to be proud of. I do not admire stressed people. I admire happy, balanced, successful people. Success is not (to me) working an 80 hour week, and being available by mobile phone at 4am on your holiday. Success is not running from social engagement to social engagement being unable to enjoy any of them because you are too tired and too busy thinking about everything you have to do.

I would much rather say ‘I am loving life’ this year than ‘I had a nervous breakdown’. Wearing your stress like a badge of honour is dangerous to your health. Because of the harmful effects of stress, companies are required by law to provide reasonable stress management measures for their staff. Personally, I think individuals need to provide reasonable de-stressing measures for themselves. And the first one to adopt is to treat stress appropriately.

Think about your relationship with stress – is it healthy? Do you use your stress to get you out of the way of a speeding bullet or as a signal that something needs to change. Or do you wear your stress like a badge of honour? How about a different badge of honour – be proud of how relaxed you are! Or is that too radical for the noughties?

- Something to Play With -

Treat stress as a warning sign that your life needs to change. Ask yourself (if you’re stressed) how you can simplify, what you can do to take extremely good care of yourself (make sure you have my free ebook for self care ideas), what you can do to relax and ENJOY your life to the full rather than fill your life to the brim and miss out on any fun! Want to share your thoughts on this article? Please leave a comment.

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Beach Speed

On my weekly newsletter this week: I am…mellow. Surprisingly mellow. Annoyingly mellow! I have 1001 things to see, people to go, places to do. And there I am, sitting in the sun lounger for half the week watching starlings fly across a picture perfect blue sky. Mellowed out. Not ‘getting on with stuff’. I’ve come to understand (partly because of my health) that trying to flow when the energy is ebbing is a waste of time and totally counter productive. Still, sitting still doesn’t come that easy and I fought it for a while before realising that I quite enjoy sitting still and just enjoying the moment.

So instead of trying to rush about to write something new, I decided to recycle an article from 2006 about the pace of life…which seems appropriate for me. And perhaps for you? Let me know – leave a comment on my Facebook page or simply reply to this mail.

- Beach Speed -

Because it’s been a busy week, I’ve been rushing hither and thither at a frantic pace, leaving a trail of unfinished tasks in my wake. By Thursday, my office looked like a bombsite and I couldn’t find a thing! So, I decided to just slow down, finish what I could finish, tidy up, breathe, and stop pretending to be ‘Mr Rush’.

You may have heard of the ‘slow movement’ – a movement which reacts against the fast food, fast living, now now NOW culture we live in. They have a point. Some things can only be enjoyed if you do them slowly. Long, leisurely lunch anyone? It’s one of the reasons we relax so much on holiday – there’s no time pressure.

You can get up when you like, eat when you like, do what you like. On the other hand, take a typical day in the ‘normal’ life for you. Everything is done at high speed because you need to be somewhere, have deadlines to meet, have a million and one things to do. And even social events are crammed in to a busy day.

My best friend and I went for ‘food and a film’ a few weeks ago. She was working til 6, then doing chores until she came to get me. I was working til 8, then frantically showering and changing to be ready in time. The first hour of our evening was spent discussing how tired we were and what a chaotic day it had been.

By the time we had both relaxed and started to enjoy ourselves, it was time to rush off to see the film, no time for digesting our food! Ridiculous. Had we just had the meal and then sat chatting, it would have been a lovely evening. As it was, we both sat through the film day-dreaming of sleep! And this is not an isolated incident – it happens to all of us, all the time.

Ironically, when you do slow down, you are actually able to accomplish more. From Thursday onwards, I decided to leave myself enough time to do what I had to, and leave anything that could wait. (and tidy up as I went along!) As a result, my stress levels shot down, I enjoyed what I was doing, and I got more done than I expected to.

I have deliberately used these two examples to show that ‘going slow’ works for business and pleasure. Try it…slow down the pace of your life just a little. Or go for the full experience and go down to beach speed! Now, about that long, leisurely lunch?

- Something to Play With -

Your mission this week is to play with this idea of ‘living slow’. Take a long, leisurely lunch. Sit and watch the world go by. Ditch half your ‘to do’ list in favour of playing with your friends, family or self! Change down to beach speed, and let me know how you get on! Leave me a comment.

And if you’d like to sign up to get the weekly newsletter, click here.

Love

Donna.x

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Drop The Pressure

Do you ever find yourself getting incredibly grouchy? Irritable? Impatient? Even evil? A short fuse is a key indicator of stress, but we often blame the weather, tiredness, PMT, and sometimes miss the fact that actually, we are under a lot of pressure. All too often, this pressure is entirely self-inflicted – the only person expecting the moon on a stick from you, is you!

For example, my friend has been to the doctors to ask for help for her PMT before she kills someone. The doctor prescribed…relieving some pressure. My friend is putting an incredible amount of pressure on herself to be perfect…and the pressure is telling. Imagine an old steam kettle – once the steam builds up, the kettle starts shrieking! She’s not alone in not realising that she is putting herself under a lot of strain.

Only a few weeks ago I was getting myself into a terrible tizz – I have a lot on my to do list for my business – there are all sorts of plates spinning, projects in progress and directions in which to go. And of course, if I were Captain Perfect, I’d be progressing every project daily. No one else is asking me to do so. It’s all me. I thought that I was superhuman. I was wrong. Sigh. No special powers or anything. Dammit.

Once I realised that actually, I am making progress, I could relax and continue on without the lead weight I had put on myself. What about you? Where are you putting yourself under pressure? It could be with your appearance, your career, your finances, your relationships, your health. Check in with your life. Where are you feeling the pressure to be thinner, richer, more successful, more popular, healthier, busier, more perfect?

Whose expectations are you trying to live up to? Are you adding pressure to yourself? Imagine if you cut yourself a break…how much easier would that be? And there is a possibility that when you relax your iron grip on the situation, achieving what you want will become easier…

Love

Donna.x

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Scan And Release

Sounds like an IT process doesn’t it? But this is not about technology, it’s about your body. I sat down this morning to watch a bit of the tennis and realised that my shoulders were quite tense (and I wasn’t that bothered about the outcome of the game!). Scanning my body, I realised that I was also holding tension in my feet (wierdly!) and in my jaw!

What about you? Scan your body now – where is the tension? Now release it. Aaaaah, that’s better. Repeat often – we hold a lot of tension out of stress, habit, pain and fear…but then when the stress, pain or fear have gone we keep tension out of habit. So make a new habit and let it go!

Love

Donna.x

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Staying Out of The Drama

There are hundreds of little things that happen every day that can pull us into a drama, from thoughtless drivers to stolen purses, from being rained on to disputes with your service providers. We are so used to participating in the little dramas of our lives that we don’t even question that we’ve spent 10 hours moaning to friends about this company or that person. In many cases, most people would agree that we have cause to be livid.

But here’s the interesting thing: getting pulled into the drama is never helpful. And it often makes a situation 10 times worse before it gets better. This morning I had a situation that for an hour, pulled me into the drama. I stressed, I told a friend the whole convoluted story, I worried and I was ‘in the drama’. Then I realised that I was busy ruining my day over something that is an irritation, but nothing more.

I set my intention around this (that it will be sorted out to the satisfaction of all involved), felt gratitude that it is sorted, and let it go. I don’t know how it will be sorted, but I know it will be sorted. And in the meantime, I’m not going to worry. In fact, to distract myself from feeling bad, I went on Youtube and found some more Top Gear clips (including a really random one on caravan conkers that I never saw before!)

There is absolutely no benefit in being pulled into the drama of life. No benefit at all. Not only does it not help to change a situation for the better (of course, more drama can make it worse!), but it also ruins your day. Try this the next time you notice you are ‘in the drama’: state how you want this situation to work out (always being open to a better solution!), be grateful that it’s sorted (even if you can’t see how), let it go and go enjoy your life DESPITE whatever is going ‘wrong’.

None of these petty annoyances that you won’t care about in a years’ time are worth even a moment of stress, sadness, or anger on your part.

Love

Donna.x

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Playing the Game

The Game of Life.

How are you playing? Are you fighting over ever throw of the dice, taking it all personally, giving up after a few throws, deciding that you will never win so why play, getting pissed off with other players for getting the wins that you wanted, sulking, taking it very seriously or being enormously competitive?

In other words, are you forgetting that it’s a game? Life (in my humble opinion) is FUN! We get to do some really cool stuff on this planet – dancing, laughing, horizontal exercise , bouncing, loving, being with friends, watching crap tv, seeing the sunrise and set, watching the seasons turn and the kids grow.

When you remember that its a game to be played and enjoyed, you can change your experience of it. Instead of it being hard and stressful, it becomes easy and fun…and you get to learn to play better rather than making the same mistakes over again. And the best thing about this game? There are no losers. You can only win the game of life.

Love

Donna.x

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Why is Rest a Dirty Word?

Tell me something: Why is it that we find it desirable to work so hard that we have no time for our family and friends? Why is it that we are impressed by people who are terribly busy? Why is it that our working lives are dominated by stress and tension and no one sees that as a bad thing? Why is resting, taking care of yourself, enjoying your life (without the mad, hectic lifestyle) seen as lazy, wrong or bad?

We were not put on this earth to ‘see how much we could get done’. Well, you might have been, but I certainly was not. I was put here to ‘see how much joy I could enjoy’, and this philosophy of ‘nose to the grindstone and never mind the consequences (ill health, stress, relationships)’ is in direct opposition to my purpose for being here. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to rest, chill, relax, have fun, take care of myself, and my to do list can wait til that mission is accomplished!

Love

Donna.x

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A Quick Trip To Chuntersville

Let me give you a little insight into my head this morning “oh I can’t face getting up, it’s bloody grey again, I hate rain, I hate January, I need some sunlight, it’s a terrible shame for me, I don’t want to do that, why can’t people just leave me alone, I’ll never get this done, my desk is a mess, I don’t want to…” As you can imagine, it wasn’t much fun being me today! At one point I wanted to put my head on the desk and cry buckets.

I am not generally a whiner (except in winter), but I have my moments where everything is a stress, a chore, a pain and I just wish the whole world would leave me alone. When I am being a whiner there is usually a reason for it – no, not that everyone in the world is a pain in the ass – today that reason was that I was tired and feeling a little run down. Perfectly simple, but my attention was firmly focused on the outside of me, at where everything and everyone was annoying me!

Your true self is a sunny, optimistic, excitable being (remember that one that you were when you were 3 years old – that was you before the world drummed it out of you) so often when you feel bad, it is because you are holding yourself apart from who you really are. When you look into WHY you are holding yourself away from who you really are, you can fix it. In my case, all I needed was a little tlc and I was right as rain again. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned rain, I feel another little chunter coming on…

Love

Donna.x
PS Only 2 more days left to take advantage of this month’s special offer

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OnTheBeach – Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

“Let your heart be light. From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.” So sang Judy Garland in 1944. 64 years later, can you imagine a Merry Little Christmas? Can you imagine your troubles being miles away? Or is Christmas going to be just another stressor on a long list of stressors? Many people I have spoken to in the last few days are at breaking point –enormously stressed out. The cold weather, the economy, the money worries, having so much to do and so little time has brought many of us to the point of screaming.

I must admit that losing a friend, losing a car, and trying to pack in 5 weeks work into 3 while Christmas shopping, car shopping and so on has made me slightly fraught too. My shoulders are up around my ears, I am even more short tempered than usual, and I’m not sleeping (which regular readers will know is a recipe for disaster). Thinking back on Christmas’s past, this stress usually lasts until Christmas Eve, at the point when I can do no more…and when the old movies come on the telly.

White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, Meet me in St Louis. Sigh. Even thinking about them makes my entire body sigh into a sofa-ready position. I love a feel-good film, it helps me to relax and enjoy my Christmas. I love the cheesiness of Christmas films, the light-heartedness that comes out of the telly and into me. I love that sense that Christmas is a little break for everyone. I love the hush that comes over the world on Christmas night, when everywhere is closed and most of us leave the freneticism of our normal lives behind just for a few hours.

Often that break is so desperately needed that we only let the relaxation in unconsciously. This year, why not decide to let your heart be light, and just for a few days, let your troubles go. You can pick them back up again in 2009 – it’s only a few days away now. We’ve all been waiting so long for Christmas (in the UK it’s been building up since August – insanely), why not decide right now to make damn sure you enjoy it as much as possible.

Once the decision is made to let go and enjoy your Christmas, make sure you back up your decision. Take a deep breath and say to yourself “I am going to have a Merry Little Christmas, my heart will be light and my troubles will be out of sight…and out of mind!” If your troubles come back to mind, tell them you will look at them again in the New Year, and that they should have a Merry Little Christmas too. You never know, you might even get used to having a light heart and decide to keep it into 2009.

Something to play with
If you were going to have a Merry Little Christmas, what would need to change this week? What can you do to ensure that your Christmas is Merry and your heart is light? Go, do it.

Want to share your thoughts on this article? Leave me a comment below.

A note from Donna
Wishing each and every one of you a Very Merry Christmas, and all the luck, love and laughter you deserve in 2009! Thank you for being with me in 2008, and I look forward to continuing to entertain, inspire and provoke thought for you in 2009. This is the last OnTheBeach for this year, but do check into my blog if you get a chance over the festive period – there you will find little festive snippets, ideas on seeing out the old year and welcoming in a faaabulous New Year. See you next year!

Can I help you to make your life even more amazing in 2009? I have a very special festive offering for you, 20% off all coaching packages – to get more details, or to apply, go to Festive Offers. If the idea of getting some coaching appeals, don’t wait, places will be limited and the offer will expire in the New Year.

To receive the OnTheBeach newsletters directly into your inbox every week, go to the sign up page.

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OnTheBeach – Will This Still Matter Tomorrow?

A note from Donna
Since the gig I went to last Tuesday, my throat has been playing up and my voice has run the range between Minnie Mouse and that woman with a husky, low, smoker’s voice off Coronation Street of 20 years ago – can’t remember her name! I was listening to the messages my body was sending me – I needed rest desperately…and sadly my plans to snooze the afternoon away were thwarted 3 days in a row. (Do you think these people know telepathically the worst time to call?) This is a time for perseverance – I will get an afternoon snooze! Zzzzzzzzzz.

Will This Still Matter Tomorrow?
Woah, what a week! It’s been a real rollercoaster of a week, with trials, tribulations and stressors abounding…only most of these trials and tribulations are very short lived. I can’t even remember what stressed me out on Monday, Tuesday’s trial was a storm in a teacup, Wednesday’s stressor is a possibility that won’t happen until next year if at all, Thursday’s tribulation was a huge deal one minute, and non-existent the next! Sheesh.

Most of the time I’m very laid back and easy going (or I like to think so anyway!), but just occasionally I get sucked into drama. This week most of the drama has been about other people, but a couple of things have been going on in my head too…and all of it has been a fuss over nothing! How often do you get caught up in dramas that are enormously stressful, get you worried and anxious, and then blow over within a week?

We have a tendency to get caught up in what’s happening right now, losing perspective and working ourselves into a frenzy. Life is so much harder when you are being battered by every storm that comes your way. Of course, there is the occasional hurricane…but most of the storms only need an umbrella, not a full-scale town evacuation! It’s nice to have the odd drama-queen moment, but when you live your whole life in that state of adrenaline and crisis it is hard work!

Before you get caught up in the crisis will this still matter tomorrow? (to the tune of ‘Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow’!) Will it matter in a week’s time? Will it matter in a month? Will it matter in 6 months? Will it matter in a year? Will it matter in 5 years? Now you have a sense of how important this is in the grand scheme of things – is your reaction appropriate? Is it in perspective? Is it worth feeling bad about? Is it worth risking your health? Is it worth wasting time being angry?

Many of the little dramas we get caught up in on a day to day basis are relatively unimportant, and although irritating at the time, not significant enough for us to lose our peace over. Spilt coffee? Won’t matter tomorrow. Idiot drivers on the road? Won’t matter next week. Bitchiness at work? Won’t matter in 5 years time. What will matter? That you had fun, that you were your best self, that you gave and received love, that you were joyful and happy and didn’t waste energy and time and stress on things that won’t matter tomorrow.

Something to play with
Whenever you are losing your cool (or even afterwards!) ask yourself if this will matter tomorrow, or next week, or next year…if not, can you just let it go?

Want to share your thoughts on this article? Leave me a comment below.

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